Breaking and Strengthening

Two words you don't expect to stand together, and yet both apply.

Last Sunday at Reality, Crav was going on. Two hours of prayer and worship. No, I didn't hear a little voice in my head giving me the solution to all my problems, the answers to all my questions, but despite...I found peace. Simple as that and yet so powerful.

Here, let me back track. Without giving many specifics, I have had many things going on in my life recently, mostly good, but altogether too much. I handled it fine for a while, until things changed. Many things changed. Now change is fine...change is good...but it was all thrown at me at once. I stumbled. I was taken-aback, I lost my footing, I had fallen...there's many phrases I could use to describe it. I just couldn't handle the situations all at once, and yet that's what was dealt to me.

Now God doesn't give anyone what he doesn't know we can't handle, right? So for a while I had been mulling over these things, confused to the point of feeling sick every morning, wanting to fix things so much that I just didn't want to face them. Makes no sense, right? I prayed, of course. I talked to friends about a bit, but held back. I'm not sure why, but I was more hesitant...drawn into myself. That mask I put away long ago was back. Even though I tried to keep it off. Funny...I guess I didn't try hard enough. I didn't want to be seen as week...needy...I didn't want to annoy anyone. Or maybe it was more that even I didn't know exactly what was going on. So I settled with feeling alone.

Now I say I'd been praying about it. I'm not sure on specifics, but it was different on Sunday. I was praying for so much...and simply worshiping. Coming out, I realized...there was no pressure on my mind. There was no dread feeling in my gut. There wasn't anything nagging at me, nothing I was struggling with, nothing. I was so used to the chaos within myself that I just...I wanted to laugh. I couldn't stop smiling. Simply amazing. Just...peace.

The problems didn't evaporate, and I had to confront on a couple of them already. Recently. I'm not saying they turned out happy, but...maybe in the long run. We'll see. Just for now, I'm holding onto that joy. That peace. I'd been searching for it, but I didn't know how far I was until now. I'm excited to be learning more everyday, I'm setting time aside to be alone with God...this peace...so many people are missing out on what I've once again discovered. If they could just feel this too...

I can't describe it much better than that.
Peace.

I'm broken, on my knees, growing and strengthening.
Oh, that I had the courage.