Allowance

"...Allow yourself to grow..."

This advice was given to me not that long ago, hidden in a swarm of words making up the main message. However, this stood out to me.

"...Allow yourself to grow..."

Allow. Interesting choice of words. I wouldn't say that I'm the one holding myself back from growing, if I'm being held back at all. But now...go back a couple blogs. I said it seemed I was afraid of something, but I couldn't say what. I think I figured it out.

I need to allow myself to grow. It's not that I don't want to grow. I long for it. I've grown so much in such a short period of time. It's the trials that bring you closer to God. But here I sit, still troubled, still wondering where to go, what to do next.

As much as I want to grow, I think I'm afraid of it. With a specific situation I had already mentioned that I knew I should do something about it, that I should take action, but I was afraid. I worried over possible outcomes, possible consequences...I reminded myself over and over how I had taken action before, and that did me no good. I only ended up hurt. Aching. Crushed. I didn't want to feel like that again.

But didn't I?

I still felt the same, I had only numbed my mind. I tried my hardest not to think of it. And here I sit. I voiced my thoughts to a friend. I said that could possibly apply to more than that one situation. He said he bet so. That's what it seems.

See, if I allow myself to grow, that welcomes change. Change, while it may be for the better, is the result of a chance. The chance is what I'm afraid of. Though the result may be good (God will provide,) I was afraid of the journey. The results before it was all over. I was afraid to go after what I wanted most: To grow.

It hurts to question things so much. I'm finally realizing that.

Now, I'm going to attempt to welcome change. Take a chance. Instead of waiting and holding it off, I'm stepping out of my box. If I feel it's right, I'll take it, and pray.

Daniel, for example, goes to the king to gain time so he could interpret his dream so no one would be killed. He then goes home to pray. Why would he take action before confirming that it was right? He didn't pray until he already took action. What if he was wrong?

He may have taken a large chance, but he had faith that God would provide.

Faith.

He knew God would provide and put his full trust in that.

That's what got him through.
That's why the dream was revealed to him.
That's why he was able to interpret it.

Now I'm not completely knowledgeable in this, but I'm learning.

I'm diving deeper.

"The bible's like the ocean. It looks awesome and beautiful from the sand, but once you dive beneath the surface...that's when you discover so much more."

I'm allowing myself to grow.

C'est La Vie

Mentors.

I used to think they were something else.
Something strictly teacher.
Now I know they're more than that.

I've learned so much through those I call my mentors.
They are there to talk to, to rant, to gain another opinion.
They are there when you don't want to talk.
They trod on toes, because they know it's for your own good.
They notice when something's wrong...words no longer needed.

...and so much more...

They act as friends.

Good times and bad.
There to simplify a complex situation,
or to complicate a simple situation.

But the thing about mentors...is they're not always there.
sooner or later, life moves on, and you're passed off to somewhere else.

C'est la vie.

I Wish

I wish I could have the innocence of childhood
to have no worries
to have undoubtable faith

I wish I could detangle my thoughts
for more than a day
and finally be free of the mess

I wish I could help others
in more ways than I'm able
with no consequences

I wish I could express what I'm thinking
without holding back
for fear keeps me there

I wish...

I wish I didn't wish.

I wish I had that faith
That wishing was no longer on my mind.


I'm not too open a person. Which is funny, because a first impression would tell you I am.
I'm willing to share many things about myself, almost or no hesitation.

But then deeper things...my core...my thoughts.

It seems I'm no good at sharing those.
There's a fear in me...I'm not sure of what, but it holds me back.
I simply can't share these things easily with others.

In a few recent situations I've discovered that if I were to share anything about what happened...it wasn't to the people I trusted most.

This is odd....and contradictory. Why wasn't I comfortable? I can't say for sure. But it was the people closest to me. They saw something was going on with me, but I didn't share. I couldn't share. But when I did...I was so glad. It was a reminder on why it was that these were the people I trusted.

But then, here I am, still hesitant. Why can't I get over it? Why am I more comfortable sharing things with no one...or even someone I'm not too close with, than someone I completely trust, and have for many years?

Makes no sense.

I can't sort myself out. How is anyone else going to figure me out? How can I figure anything else out?


I'm growing stronger, I know.
I feel it.
But I miss feeling so close as you get in camp.
On a retreat.
Away from it all.
Away from everything that pulls you away.

I miss it.

I still wish.


A friend recently mentioned "If Peter Pan ever comes to my window, I'll kick him and ask him what took so long."

Longing for that childhood innocence.
Who, when looking at a child, can help but break into a smile?

I feel young. So young. Too young for many things, so much ahead of me.
But then in a way...I feel old. Like it's all going by too fast.

Oh, Peter Pan, why must you complicate things?

...haha...

Dust

As soon as it settles peacefully on the windowsill having finally found a resting place, it's forcefully ripped away, brushed off to fall crashing on the floor and swept under a rug.

Yes, under a rug. Not even the decency of a trash can. Simply brushed under a rug, hopeful that the dust will just disapear from sight and eventually evaporate into nothingness so no one has to deal with it.

Dust.



I thought I was sure.
I thought I had things figured out.
I thought I could finally arrange my thoughts into some sort of readable font.

I guess not.

Breaking and Strengthening

Two words you don't expect to stand together, and yet both apply.

Last Sunday at Reality, Crav was going on. Two hours of prayer and worship. No, I didn't hear a little voice in my head giving me the solution to all my problems, the answers to all my questions, but despite...I found peace. Simple as that and yet so powerful.

Here, let me back track. Without giving many specifics, I have had many things going on in my life recently, mostly good, but altogether too much. I handled it fine for a while, until things changed. Many things changed. Now change is fine...change is good...but it was all thrown at me at once. I stumbled. I was taken-aback, I lost my footing, I had fallen...there's many phrases I could use to describe it. I just couldn't handle the situations all at once, and yet that's what was dealt to me.

Now God doesn't give anyone what he doesn't know we can't handle, right? So for a while I had been mulling over these things, confused to the point of feeling sick every morning, wanting to fix things so much that I just didn't want to face them. Makes no sense, right? I prayed, of course. I talked to friends about a bit, but held back. I'm not sure why, but I was more hesitant...drawn into myself. That mask I put away long ago was back. Even though I tried to keep it off. Funny...I guess I didn't try hard enough. I didn't want to be seen as week...needy...I didn't want to annoy anyone. Or maybe it was more that even I didn't know exactly what was going on. So I settled with feeling alone.

Now I say I'd been praying about it. I'm not sure on specifics, but it was different on Sunday. I was praying for so much...and simply worshiping. Coming out, I realized...there was no pressure on my mind. There was no dread feeling in my gut. There wasn't anything nagging at me, nothing I was struggling with, nothing. I was so used to the chaos within myself that I just...I wanted to laugh. I couldn't stop smiling. Simply amazing. Just...peace.

The problems didn't evaporate, and I had to confront on a couple of them already. Recently. I'm not saying they turned out happy, but...maybe in the long run. We'll see. Just for now, I'm holding onto that joy. That peace. I'd been searching for it, but I didn't know how far I was until now. I'm excited to be learning more everyday, I'm setting time aside to be alone with God...this peace...so many people are missing out on what I've once again discovered. If they could just feel this too...

I can't describe it much better than that.
Peace.

I'm broken, on my knees, growing and strengthening.
Oh, that I had the courage.