I Wish

I wish I could have the innocence of childhood
to have no worries
to have undoubtable faith

I wish I could detangle my thoughts
for more than a day
and finally be free of the mess

I wish I could help others
in more ways than I'm able
with no consequences

I wish I could express what I'm thinking
without holding back
for fear keeps me there

I wish...

I wish I didn't wish.

I wish I had that faith
That wishing was no longer on my mind.


I'm not too open a person. Which is funny, because a first impression would tell you I am.
I'm willing to share many things about myself, almost or no hesitation.

But then deeper things...my core...my thoughts.

It seems I'm no good at sharing those.
There's a fear in me...I'm not sure of what, but it holds me back.
I simply can't share these things easily with others.

In a few recent situations I've discovered that if I were to share anything about what happened...it wasn't to the people I trusted most.

This is odd....and contradictory. Why wasn't I comfortable? I can't say for sure. But it was the people closest to me. They saw something was going on with me, but I didn't share. I couldn't share. But when I did...I was so glad. It was a reminder on why it was that these were the people I trusted.

But then, here I am, still hesitant. Why can't I get over it? Why am I more comfortable sharing things with no one...or even someone I'm not too close with, than someone I completely trust, and have for many years?

Makes no sense.

I can't sort myself out. How is anyone else going to figure me out? How can I figure anything else out?


I'm growing stronger, I know.
I feel it.
But I miss feeling so close as you get in camp.
On a retreat.
Away from it all.
Away from everything that pulls you away.

I miss it.

I still wish.


A friend recently mentioned "If Peter Pan ever comes to my window, I'll kick him and ask him what took so long."

Longing for that childhood innocence.
Who, when looking at a child, can help but break into a smile?

I feel young. So young. Too young for many things, so much ahead of me.
But then in a way...I feel old. Like it's all going by too fast.

Oh, Peter Pan, why must you complicate things?

...haha...