Smiles go a Long Way

It's funny to think...
A month ago I was thinking so differently.

With a certain situation, I finally got the guts up to talk.
To do something about it.

Now I'm just...stepping back.

And yet, despite...
I'm happy.
I mean...sure, there are things on my mind.
I'm starting to get the feeling that that web will never go away.

But now...I'm smiling.
I'm recognizing how great my friends are, not just believing it.
I'm truely seeing it at last.

Even one of my friends...
I never expected her to be any more than entertainment.
She's so thick-skulled, angry, argumentative...
and now she's still the same person, but I see her differently.

I'm seeing alot of things differently.

It's beautiful, really.

It's funny how rapidly things change. How one thing can be so easy until another element is thrown in. How you can be so happy and so upset at the same time.

Knot in my throat, grasp on my heart. What to do?

I know, then I don't. I don't but I do.

Help?

Praise You In This Storm

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say amen and it's still raining.

How many times have I felt the same way? Right now, as a matter of fact. It seems no matter how many times I pray for something, it all remains the same. Patience is so hard to hold on to at this point. Faith threatens to slip and the next question remains: what now?

As the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"

Still He remains. He's always with us, as the classic "Footprints" poem also reminds us. He's talking to us, but it sounds as a mere whisper when we put the storm first in our mind. Everything drowns it out. That's not how it should be. I wish I could hear His voice more clearly.

God is always with us, whether we realize it or not. We always expect some big entrance, a booming voice...and yet that's not what God is all about.

He's here, and yet we're still waiting for him to come.

And as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away. And I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are no matter where I am, and every tear I've cried You hold in your hand. You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm.

Still I pray that I stay strong through the storm, pushing away all thoughts of abandonment or lonliness. That I may always remember that God is with me, He'll support me and He knows. He knows what's good, what's to happen, why it's happened...

As much as it hurts, I will put my complete trust and faith in Him, as I should have done this whole time. While I'd pray, I never gave my whole self. Well...here I am.

I lift my eyes onto the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.

Allowance

"...Allow yourself to grow..."

This advice was given to me not that long ago, hidden in a swarm of words making up the main message. However, this stood out to me.

"...Allow yourself to grow..."

Allow. Interesting choice of words. I wouldn't say that I'm the one holding myself back from growing, if I'm being held back at all. But now...go back a couple blogs. I said it seemed I was afraid of something, but I couldn't say what. I think I figured it out.

I need to allow myself to grow. It's not that I don't want to grow. I long for it. I've grown so much in such a short period of time. It's the trials that bring you closer to God. But here I sit, still troubled, still wondering where to go, what to do next.

As much as I want to grow, I think I'm afraid of it. With a specific situation I had already mentioned that I knew I should do something about it, that I should take action, but I was afraid. I worried over possible outcomes, possible consequences...I reminded myself over and over how I had taken action before, and that did me no good. I only ended up hurt. Aching. Crushed. I didn't want to feel like that again.

But didn't I?

I still felt the same, I had only numbed my mind. I tried my hardest not to think of it. And here I sit. I voiced my thoughts to a friend. I said that could possibly apply to more than that one situation. He said he bet so. That's what it seems.

See, if I allow myself to grow, that welcomes change. Change, while it may be for the better, is the result of a chance. The chance is what I'm afraid of. Though the result may be good (God will provide,) I was afraid of the journey. The results before it was all over. I was afraid to go after what I wanted most: To grow.

It hurts to question things so much. I'm finally realizing that.

Now, I'm going to attempt to welcome change. Take a chance. Instead of waiting and holding it off, I'm stepping out of my box. If I feel it's right, I'll take it, and pray.

Daniel, for example, goes to the king to gain time so he could interpret his dream so no one would be killed. He then goes home to pray. Why would he take action before confirming that it was right? He didn't pray until he already took action. What if he was wrong?

He may have taken a large chance, but he had faith that God would provide.

Faith.

He knew God would provide and put his full trust in that.

That's what got him through.
That's why the dream was revealed to him.
That's why he was able to interpret it.

Now I'm not completely knowledgeable in this, but I'm learning.

I'm diving deeper.

"The bible's like the ocean. It looks awesome and beautiful from the sand, but once you dive beneath the surface...that's when you discover so much more."

I'm allowing myself to grow.

C'est La Vie

Mentors.

I used to think they were something else.
Something strictly teacher.
Now I know they're more than that.

I've learned so much through those I call my mentors.
They are there to talk to, to rant, to gain another opinion.
They are there when you don't want to talk.
They trod on toes, because they know it's for your own good.
They notice when something's wrong...words no longer needed.

...and so much more...

They act as friends.

Good times and bad.
There to simplify a complex situation,
or to complicate a simple situation.

But the thing about mentors...is they're not always there.
sooner or later, life moves on, and you're passed off to somewhere else.

C'est la vie.

I Wish

I wish I could have the innocence of childhood
to have no worries
to have undoubtable faith

I wish I could detangle my thoughts
for more than a day
and finally be free of the mess

I wish I could help others
in more ways than I'm able
with no consequences

I wish I could express what I'm thinking
without holding back
for fear keeps me there

I wish...

I wish I didn't wish.

I wish I had that faith
That wishing was no longer on my mind.


I'm not too open a person. Which is funny, because a first impression would tell you I am.
I'm willing to share many things about myself, almost or no hesitation.

But then deeper things...my core...my thoughts.

It seems I'm no good at sharing those.
There's a fear in me...I'm not sure of what, but it holds me back.
I simply can't share these things easily with others.

In a few recent situations I've discovered that if I were to share anything about what happened...it wasn't to the people I trusted most.

This is odd....and contradictory. Why wasn't I comfortable? I can't say for sure. But it was the people closest to me. They saw something was going on with me, but I didn't share. I couldn't share. But when I did...I was so glad. It was a reminder on why it was that these were the people I trusted.

But then, here I am, still hesitant. Why can't I get over it? Why am I more comfortable sharing things with no one...or even someone I'm not too close with, than someone I completely trust, and have for many years?

Makes no sense.

I can't sort myself out. How is anyone else going to figure me out? How can I figure anything else out?


I'm growing stronger, I know.
I feel it.
But I miss feeling so close as you get in camp.
On a retreat.
Away from it all.
Away from everything that pulls you away.

I miss it.

I still wish.


A friend recently mentioned "If Peter Pan ever comes to my window, I'll kick him and ask him what took so long."

Longing for that childhood innocence.
Who, when looking at a child, can help but break into a smile?

I feel young. So young. Too young for many things, so much ahead of me.
But then in a way...I feel old. Like it's all going by too fast.

Oh, Peter Pan, why must you complicate things?

...haha...

Dust

As soon as it settles peacefully on the windowsill having finally found a resting place, it's forcefully ripped away, brushed off to fall crashing on the floor and swept under a rug.

Yes, under a rug. Not even the decency of a trash can. Simply brushed under a rug, hopeful that the dust will just disapear from sight and eventually evaporate into nothingness so no one has to deal with it.

Dust.



I thought I was sure.
I thought I had things figured out.
I thought I could finally arrange my thoughts into some sort of readable font.

I guess not.